ELECTRICS OFF

Something has happened to the upstairs at The Electric, its like someone has forgotten to top up the electric key and all the lights have gone out.
I went there last night for a Whiskey Sour and my drink was the only good thing about it. The glace cherry floating on top was the most stylish thing about the night, and, keeping it fruity, the only electric current I could feel was in the whiskey. A blond monstrosity with a spray tan that made her leather jacket look soft came up to the bar and stood next to me. She asked for a Martini. 'What kind, Vodka or Gin?' said the barman. 'Yes please', was the reply. 'No, Vodka OR Gin Martini?' said the bar man. 'Oh let me go and ask my mate.'...and off she fake boob bounced... 'Crystal, a vodka or a gin martini? she squawked. 'What?' said Crystal, 'Oh, make it a rum and coke then.'
A right couple of dirty martini's they were.... and she held her knife like a pen when she was eating..... I was so disappointed with my night I had to come home and have a roll up, dark times!

Cock Block

I was meant to be going out in East London last night but my East partners blew me out, so ended up having the most delicious pint of prawns and even more taste sensational red mullet risotto with gremolata (chopped rosemary, garlic and lemon zest) at my usual.
I was talking to a friend of a friend about the lack of chatting up that goes on at The Anglesea, when he told me something very interesting. He said there is a curse on pulling at the pub, it's called 'Cock Block'. This is absolutely terrible I thought, I must break the curse, unblock the cock as it were. I had had some eye love with a handsome looking guy in a preppy cashmere jumper on the table next to us so thought I would make it my nights work to at least talk to him.
He went out to use his phone, so I took the opportunity... grabbed my phone to my ear... went outside, and pretended to have a phone conversation and catch his eye. Then, (it pains me to tell you) my phone rang. THE END.

MAN AT THE BAR

I went to my most delicious and nutritious favourite pub last night and was recognised by a guy at the bar who knew my name. I (w)racked my brain as to where on earth I might know him from.. had we snogged? or worse, shagged? If so, I couldn't remember it.. which is strange because I usually never forget a face (especially if I've sat on it). JOKE!
Anyway, he reminded me that we had met at the pub last summer... that I hadn't come in through the conventional route of a door, but had done an extreme gate vault over the wall. 'Ah yes' I said, 'I was wearing my short shorts and we talked about where you should go on holiday'. 'I don't remember what you were wearing' he said...WRONG Answer.... how could he forget these pins, does he not realise I'm an athlete? Anyway he was wearing a Rolex Explorer, I'm a sucker for a man in a nice watch. I asked if I could try it on and I fell in love.. with the watch obviously.... his girlfriend was sitting next to him all this time looking extremely tick tocked off, with a watch face like thunder. Opps.

The Electric

I went to the Electric on Thursday night, to be met by girls in bunny outfits handing out chocolate vodka. All the tables had been pushed back and everyone was rocking out to some amazing old school tunes... A girl next to me at the bar ordered a Long Island Ice Tea...and the barman looked at her as though she had ordered a Sloe Comfortable Screw Against The Wall....and told her 'I'm afraid we don't make those'... I miss all those 80s cocktail names and tried to order a Slippery Nipple but got the same reaction. Bore off with Espresso Martini and Bellini we want Sex On The Beach again. Anyway I got talking to a friend of a friend, a boy called John.. turns out he is running the Berlin Marathon in September 'Me too' I said.. and we had geeky drunken chats while dancing for ages. I didn't fancy him at all, he had a Hollister t shirt on and an England sweat band around his wrist...Anyway as we were getting our coats to leave he gave me his number, insisting we should get together in Soho House Berlin 'darling'...Anyway unbeknown to me his girlfriend was absolutely screwing, like not sloe comfortable screwing but... literally stop talking to my boyfriend screwing... I told her to calm down and that me and her bloke were having innocent running chats... No Screaming Orgasms for him that night!

Paloma Faith

I went to see Paloma Faith play at Shepherds Bush Empire on Wednesday night. We had an OK dinner at the Princes Victoria Pub on Uxbridge Road, great building, great wine list but the prawns were all head and no body...more shrunk than shrimp. I arrived at the gig a little hungry and desperate for a pee after filling up on fizzy water. Waiting in the queue, the Paloma Faithfuls were all dressed up and very over excited to see their glamorous idol. The Faithfuls in front of me were chatting away about their favourite songs,the 5 star reviews and what she might be wearing. If their specialised subject on Master Mind was Paloma Faith, these guys would score seriously high, but the general knowledge round however.... 'Have you heard of that band The Cure?'said Faithful 1. 'No' said Faithful 2. 'Oh they were this band, like from years ago, the bloke in it, he had like mad hair and stuff and lip stick... I only know him coz I've got like really old brothers'. Boys Don't Cry but I sure felt like it.

Best Western

I love Best Western Hotels... There, I said it. I stayed in one last night in a village near Brighton. I went there for one of my best friends wedding... and it was an altogether delightful experience. I tried to book a boutique 'contemporary' seafront hotel - wallpaper on one wall, suede head boards and fair trade coffee nonsense but they all make you stay for 2 nights of which we couldn't spare. The only other solution, suggested by one of my usually most stylish friends was to hire a Hummer to take us back to London.....the Best Western was starting to look like Claridges! Anyway my room was a dream, a mint green colour scheme with matching cushions, curtains and head board... a huge bath with Best Western shampoo and shower cap...... and the absolute clincher for me.. a kettle, highlights hot chocolate, 2 packets of shortbread and a mini bar courvoisier. While we waited for our taxi people were flocking to the Carvery... I watched, as a couple of ladies, clearly carrying a bit of extra timber, asked for every type of meat.... leaving very little room for onion rings - I couldn't fault it, everything was 'very well done'.. The puddings were under glass cabinets, it was like a 1970s pudding museum with profiteroles, fruit fools, lemon meringue pie and black cherry gateaux. I checked out this morning filling my pockets with Fox's Glacier Mints from the mahogany reception. There are 280 Best Westerns, all unique with there own charm and character... 1 down I say!

Quiz Night

It was quiz night in the school hall on Thursday night, and I actually got invited! More for entertainment value than contribution value... We ate a very bland veggie curry, and when I asked for some salt to try and give it a bit of flavour I was told that schools don't have salt and aren't allowed to add it....they should have put BYO salt on the invite not BYO booze. The first round was to name 6 very obscure flags... my team got them all bar one, a blue flag with a Union Jack flag in one corner and a sheep coat of arms in the other ..... my incredibly lucky guess.. The Falkland Islands was right! A flock of black birds is a 'murder', a group of chicks is a 'clutch' not 'Wags' as we put. Then there was the tasting round... I excelled at this, name the flavour crisp, fresh herb, cheese and chocolate.... not only did I give lime and chili flavour for the chocolate.. I knew the brand was Montezuma's AND the cocoa solids content.. surely an extra point! Then the bone of contention question... Who played Hannibal Lecter? The answer is actually both Anthony Hopkins and Brian Cox, Brian played him in the original film Manhunter.. so we (well not me) naturally put both names down ... the answer came as being Anthony with no mention of Brian.. UPROAR! Our markers tried to penalise us by giving us half a point! The rhyming slang round.. apple and pears, skin and blister, whistle and flute... "These questions are too BRIGHT AND BREEZY" I shouted out...Oops, was that really me? Unfortunately yes as everyone turned and gave me daggers. Would have been OK if I hadn't got one PETE TONG!

Tindersticks

I got a call last night from 'He who doth not want to be named' HE for short, to say that if I wanted something to blog about I could go with him to see Tindersticks at Shepherds Bush Empire. HE had obviously been blown out by someone, hence the last minute invite, and I had no idea who Tindersticks were, but for the love of BLog I said yes. TINDERSTICKS are a band from Nottingham (don't you love Wikipedia). The main man is called Stuart Staples and he sounds a bit like Leonard Cohen/Nick Cave and he has the biggest lamb chop side burns you've seen since Elvis. I spent the first half an hour of the gig thinking he had accidentally left his blue tooth ear piece in. Anyway I had absolutely no idea what to expect. If HE had said they are America's equivalent to Chaz and Dave I would have believed him. But no, this was 7 unbelievably talented musicians, proper incredible musicians playing more instruments than Wikipedia could care to mention... the vibraphonist was hot (wedding ring).... clocked it in the bar afterwards).