TOP GEAR

I just went to the Harvest petrol station on Goldhawk Road (not to be confused with The Harvester restaurant please) to jet wash my dusty old car. In front of me, in his Ferrari, was the guy from Top Gear, not the main guy and not the one that nearly died and is small, but the other one. Why would you jet wash if you had a Ferrari? Wouldn't you be valet all the way? Anyway I watched (and snapped) him as he washed. He must have bought the cheap foam brush and rinse program for £2 but he only used the rinse bit. I don't think I would really want to use a scuzzy old foaming broom on my Ferrari either. He put down the rinse rod and started to walk towards me..... Oh no, had he seen me snapping him with my camera? As he came to my car door, I was too nervous to undo my window as I knew I would press the electric roof button by mistake and make a fool of myself, so I opened my door instead. 'Just wanted to let you know that the machine is making some very strange noises and the pressure keeps coming and going, I think there is something wrong with it, but you might be OK.' said Mr Top Gear. I looked at him and thought, you're actually quite cute in real life. 'Have you finished already'? I replied. Why didn't I say something flirty like 'You couldn't help me put the coin in the slot could you'? You always think of these things too late (luckily, in my case)... Anyway after a good scrub I came home, googled 'man from top gear' and up he came, JAMES MAY. Does anyone know him? Is 47 too old?

Fat without a GSOH

So I finally did it... I am no longer an internet date virgin.... I arranged to meet my Dutch lover under Hammersmith Bridge at 3pm... I was early, but still, he should have been earlier. There was a busker under the bridge singing Quanta La Mera, how romantic I thought. 15 minutes later my busker friend was still playing Quanta La Mera on a loop.. great catalogue, and I was still waiting. Great, I can go home and have a tea and read the papers.. hurrah. I got half way home when he called to say he had just arrived. "I am sorry I am so late" said a dutch voice. "I didn't check my watch whilst I was traveling"he said. TRAVELING.. who refers to cycling along the river as TRAVELING... You are soo I.T. it's all wrong... I let him suffer Quanta La Mera while I turned around and TRAVELED back to the meeting point. When I saw him, he had a sweet smile, but NO... well as NO as you can be without giving someone a chance to even speak before ruling them out as being a potential love. We went to a great pub, and I drank a lovely honey dew ale and told him that Ernest Hemmingway and Dylan Thomas used to drink there... I like to give the impression that I read even though I don't. I took 2 amazing espresso chocolate truffles to have 1 each, but decided to drink quickly, go home and have them both for myself. I am kind of glad I have lost my internet date cherry, but having just spat the pip out I am looking forward to going back to the old fashioned way of boy meets girl... what ever that is... but that's what makes it exciting.

Fat with a GSOH

I am in a terrible quandary. I have been all talk on Guardian Soul Mates for soo long. I treat it like FB, i just cruise around and stalk but don't actually make any contact.. My first message was from a girl called Donna who said she was BI CURIOUS, liked my look, and had a camera and mic if I wanted to chat.... GREAT!
Then I get a guy who tells me he has just finished reading a book called The Black Book by Pamuk about how people cannot ever really be themselves. " Is it good enough simply to try to be true to oneself most of the time?" was his question to me.. DRY! And he had a terrible under bite.
Anyway I exchanged a few emails with this guy 'who prefers brunettes', works in IT, is bald and from Holland.. oh and did i mention that he has a paunch? He drives an MX5 which he tries to excuse, but NOTHING excuses a hair dryer... and goes on to say how he would now buy a Z4 (in white, with 18" rims).... and I am thinking ... is that a joke? I literally don't know... but I think I am starting to forgive the MX5.. He wants to meet on Sunday but I am freaking out and haven't replied.. Oh what to do.....