Amber Stephens

I have been meaning to write this vignette (or will try to keep it vignette) as a way of venting my agro tale of Amber-gate. My friend that's a boy texted me soon after new year, writing just 2 words AMBER STEPHENS.... He must have sent this by accident, I thought. I called him, to be met with a very hostile and defensive tone. 'Tell me what you know about Amber Stephens?' he fired. 'Nothing, never heard of her'... Many heated minutes later and he simply would not not let it lie, convinced that I knew something about this mysterious name AMBER STEPHENS.
I eventually got off the phone, telling him that if he wanted to fall out over this, then so be it. I DON'T, DIDN'T, DO NOT KNOW WHO AMBER STEPHENS is, was, or who she would eventually turn out to be. I immediately Facebook'd, bebo'd,linkedin'd, twitter'd and bitter'd... and all I got was Amber Stephens author of 'The Secret Diary of a Sex Addict'. The plot thickened.
Weeks later, my friend that's a boy was still convinced that I was behind Ambergate.....
He finally divulged that Amber was a girl on a dating website that had been messaging him. She told him that she had great pins (with photos to prove) and that she wanted to be tied up with those plastic tie things (the ones you use to trellis your roses), be locked in the back of a van and kidnapped. Not sure what this says about me, but MFTABoy was convinced that it was me, Charrington alias Stephens....
I made him send a message to the adventurous Amber while we were together in the hope that she would reply and he would finally believe that I was not, am not, could not be, Amber Stephens..... I said he could tie me up with plastic ties just to make doubly sure that I couldn't sneak upstairs and email from another computer.... anyway she never replied to his email asking her 'What books do you like reading?' Quelle surprise yawn yawn.... So perhaps I will always remain Alias Amber in his eyes.

Christ I'm An Idol

I was out for dinner with some pals last night when we came up with an idea for a religious reality TV show. The show would be called "CHRIST I'M AN IDOL"and the 3 judges would consist of Doubting Thomas, The Arch Bishop of Canterbury and Cliff Richard.
Everyone would get an opportunity to be resurrected if they had a Baptism of Fire and got voted off in the first round.
The follow up series would be called I'M AN ALTER BOY GET ME OUT OF HERE! Or we have working titles - IM AN ALTER BOY GET IT OUT OF ME.... and BRITONS GOT TOLERANCE. Hopefully the Sunday Times would do a nice peace on us although I must give most of the credit to 'my pals' for this show, if it takes off, as I was too busy with the spirits.

WAPPING GREAT DAY OUT

I cycled to WAPPING today to visit the most brilliant art gallery/restaurant The Wapping Project. It is absolutely the coolest place.. this outfit however, that I witnessed somewhere between London and Tower Bridges, is not.

Brazilians

If you can imagine a piece of red hot coal touching your skin, that is what it feels like to experience laser. Every red hot flash lasts a split second, but its a very very hot split second. I had my third treatment on my bikini line last night, and never need to wax, shave, cream or pluck again! As much as I miss my Iranian wax-er and some of the crazy positions she would get me in, I doubt she misses my foot smudged marks on her white walls and ceiling...
I thought there would be nothing nicer than being permanently well groomed, but now I am not sure. Whether single, sexual or in winter hibernation I thought it would be great to strip and let rip at any given moment . But its a bit like a tattoo.. its too permanent, too forever-y. What will a well groomed flangetta look like when I am 60? What if the fashion changes and the 70s bush comes back in... I'm plUCKED!! You can have a tattoo removed but this part of the Brazilian rain forest has been lost forever.

Venus

I've had an average evening watching Wonders of the Solar System presented by Brian Cox.. . Brian has a permanent smile on his face, and, as well as being a particle physicist, used to be the the guitarist in D:Ream of "Things Can Only Get Better" fame.. I could go on but Wikipedia might do me for copyright. I made and ate a tasty butternut squash, celeriac and sage risotto.. the anni version.. without using any butter or cheese, and then read a story to my flat mates son Frank (aged 7). Frank is going through a faze of constantly putting his hands down his PJ's... So tonight I said "Will you please take your hand out of your PJ's... How would you feel if I did that all day?"... "Good" he said. Unbelievable! Wait 'til I tell his Mum.

Psychic Accountant

I am lucky enough to have a psychic for an accountant at work. She heals mind body and soul AND pays my invoices. I'm not sure that she predicts me a pay rise but today she saw me getting married!! I was just sitting at my desk writing a boring report intertwined with looking at hotels in New York when she said.. "I can see that you are going to get married in the next 2 to 3 years". Wow.. tell me more! Apparently my dress is off white, has straps, and my wedding cake is chocolate with lots of cream... I am getting married in bare feet, which saves on Louboutins, and pays for more cream. My engagement ring will be handed down from my husbands grandmother, or someone close to him, and may need adjusting... mmm adjusting.. an additional rock perhaps? I was loving every minute until BARBADOS ... I am getting married in Barbados... Am I marrying Michael Winner? Or Simon Cowell? Or are Sandals Holidays doing deals on wedding packages? I have been told that I must tell the Universe what it is that I wish for, so I might just tweak the location to another Carribbean Island called Parrot Cay and then I can invite Bruce Willis.

Blog Blunder

I am such a putz. A few pals told me I should take the plunge and post my blog link on FB for all to see. Last night, as my bath was running,I did just that. I then casually sauntered to the bathroom, dipped a toe in and thought FUCK! It wasn't that the water was too hot, but that I suddenly remembered I had made friends with my Dutch lover from GSoulMates on FB a few days before we met......and having taken the p slightly (i can't bring myself to highlight the mean things I said, but bald, he drives a hairdryer and NO were 3)...I literally pounced on my computer and deleted the link from my status... but shit it, someone had already seen it and commented, so what if he had clocked it too, within the 2 minutes before deletion? wow deletion is a word?... I had no idea how to delete a friend but needs did must, and I have never been so speedy at working something techie out... he was gone, removed, de friend ed... I feel terrible but will feel even more terrible if he reading this.... SORRY IF you are, last time I mention you I promise and the white BMW with 18" rims probably is really cool! Anyway I said on our date that I had liked Spurs since Vinnie Jones played for them, and you politely reminded me that Vinnie played for Wimbledon not Spurs.. oops.
Blog blunder no.1 of many I'm sure.

Scientology

Oh my god, nearly got GOT by a Scientology yesterday. There were some girls on a stand outside the tube station asking the public to have their stress levels tested on a 1950s looking stress monitor device. I would never normally have stopped, but in the name of the blog I thought it might make a good story in my otherwise humdrum day. I had to sit down and hold onto 2 electrode things... relax, and think of things in my life that make me feel stressed. 'Sitting in-front of Shepherds Bush Green at rush hour' I thought and the needle went whizzing up the stress o meter. Ok so I thought about money, lack of, and up it went again, and my biological clock, whoop, off the scale it went! The theory of overcoming ones stress is in a book by an American dude called L. Ron Hubbard... Ron reckons that our minds are split into our 'analytical mind,' the part that stores memories like files in a computer, and our 'reactive mind,' (the naughty part), that they say prevents people from being more ethical, more aware, happier and more sane, oh and can prevent allergies and sex deviations too apparently. I wonder if it helps get you sex, in order for you to find out if it stops you deviating? The goal of DIANETICS - 'The Modern Science of Mental Health,' as it is known, (not Callanetics the 80s fitness craze), is to remove the so called 'reactive mind'. My very sweet 'instant therapist on the Green' was selling Rons chunky book for £13. Apparently it has sold millions of copies in zillions of languages too.. so why a trestle table on Shepherds Bus Green I think to myself.....I have since discovered that it is practiced by followers of Scientology... no mention of that while I was squeezing my electrods.

LIFE COACH

I went to a LIFE COACH talk the other night. It was held at a private members club on South Molton Street. I shouldn't be too mean about it as they did give me 3 months free membership (not that private then), its . You can usually gauge the level of ostentatious lack of style of these haunts by their loo design, and in this instance it was off the chain. Quilted padded doors that resembled the back of a leather sofa, and those annoying taps that turn themselves on automatically every time you move. The talk was on HOW TO GIVE THE PERFECT INTERVIEW and was given by a lovely lady, a 'you can take the girl out of Essex' type, wearing a silky sleeveless blouse that can only be found in NEXT, with arms that needed covering, and fish nets. She read from a script and lets face it, we can all google 'top 10 tips on giving a good interview'. Luckily I had read the E invite to see that it clearly stated in small writing that it was a PAY bar, so while all the PA type girls were ordering their Cosmos and Caipi's I stuck to the cucumber water.. it was fun watching them trying not to look surprised when their, its only a Monday night, bills were bought over... We learned that body language accounts for 90% of how people perceive you... You mean years of trawling through the FT for show has been a waste of time? We learned that we must tilt our head slightly during the interview, I can imagine my potential employer asking me 'Do you need to see a physio? She told us to keep eye contact for at least 10 seconds when answering a question, I would have to use my fingers for this which might prove distracting. She said that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real... and that under no circumstances should we be late for an interview.... £15 to find out that turning up 10 minutes late for an interview doesn't mean you are busy or cool. When I asked her how you answer about having any date gaps in your CV, she said , 'You can say you were traveling'! Yeah, my 2 week trip to Goa ended in 6 months... that's really impressive. So from now on GOOGLE is my new LIFE COACH.